Milan sank into the soft sheets, the cool cotton comforting her as her mind reeled, refusing to retreat or relax.
She was angry; and everyone in the know would deem it her right. The world was not treating her fairly. She was beaten and defeated, and she didn’t know why God had allowed it.
She was tired of living like this.
She flopped over on her side, trying to recall the girl she used to be. Where were those positive thoughts now? Where had her gentle smile hidden? How had her heart hardened so?
Sighing, she slowly turned onto her back. “Lord, what has happened to me?” she wondered. She recalled the years she’d start her day with Scripture, days long-forgotten.
“In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.”
Her eyes popped open at the Psalm so forefront in her mind.
“Lord, how can I search my heart and then be silent? There is so much wrong with the world, with my world.” Anger surged again. She had done nothing to deserve this pain and agony. Yet, she had to deal with it.
She wanted to yell and scream, burst forth with a blistering outpouring of accusations.
“Be still and know, I am God.”
This reminder actually slowed her racing heart and halted the tortuous thoughts.
Long ago, she had known how to live out that Psalm: Let go and let God.
I don’t need to solve it. My part in this equation is to simply trust.
“In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds search your heart and be silent.”
Her nightly ritual of replaying the days infractions had built up negative emotions. Negative emotions not reined in had caused negative thoughts. Negative thoughts playing like a broken record both prevented her both from being silent and from barricading herself from sin.
Oh Lord, I’m so sorry.
In her overwhelmed state, she had chosen to see only the hardships. When she chose to be silent before the Lord, she knew she was loved.
Her life details didn’t instantly improve, but the journey was no longer solitary.
She knew she didn’t need to decipher it on her own.
She folded back her covers and climbed from the bed. After kneeling in heartfelt prayer, she stood, that characteristic smile in place.
She opened her Bible to Psalm 4 copying verse 4 on an index card. She taped it to the bathroom mirror where she was sure to see it several times a day.
Heart lighter, she wanted to be certain she never forgot this one ever again.