The message came through, quickening my pulse. Then I noticed I was not the sole recipient. This was a group message. Add embarrassment and pride to the emotions flowing through me.
God, I need you!
I knew I also could not address this issue right now. I knew I would respond from a place of defense. I knew I wanted to calm this situation before it got any hotter. “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18
I knew I needed to truly be in a place where I could respond, not just react. And judging by my pulse, I wasn’t there yet.
I knew I was deeply hurt at the quick assumptions and implied failure. I had to be careful with allowing my feelings to fester- deep hurt grows into broad anger. I did not want to let that anger loose on those close to me, or even allow that emotion to steal my moments from God. From worship. From gratitude. From serving Him.
And how easily those initial moments following that message would have given to rage instead of worship. Missed minutes I could never get back. I knew I could easily be a fool and give over to the emotions.
No, I desperately wanted to refuse to play a fool. Ecclesiastes 7:9 reminded me to not let anger reign. “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”
Instead I wanted to do as Colossians 3:12 instructs. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
But I had to drag myself there, first. I knew I needed to respond in love. I knew Ephesians 4:2 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
That same love that Christ had for me, every time I made a mistake. I knew some of my mistakes were selfish and intentional. And even if that were the situation here, against me, I thought of how Christ responds to all my mistakes.
He forgave. He loved. He welcomed me back, yet again.
That’s exactly what I needed to do.
But it was oh, so hard.
Yet I knew I must.
God I know what I need to do. Help me do it.
First I had to rid myself of the adrenaline. I knew I needed a run. Outside. I ran until my sides heaved. I found a spot near the stream’s edge, and parked beneath a canopy of green. I uttered the words aloud. God already knew, but my heart had to tell Him, voice my challenge in completing what He called me to. I knew I would get to the place He needed me. I wanted to get there. But I needed to work through it first. Tell Him my hurt. Acknowledge my pride. Curl up in His lap and bask in His love while the wounds scabbed over.
After a time, the pain lessened. My spirit softened. I had found my place back with my Father, knowing His wings sheltered me. I would address this issue, but only with the author. Not in a public forum. I would ask open questions and not assume.
Oh, it still hurt. But I knew I had unknowingly hurt others. I wanted to treat the author as I hoped others would treat me.
Do you, like me, struggle with reacting insteading of intentionally responding? God wants to help us with our responses. Will you join me in asking for just that?
Prayer: Dear Lord, You know the hurts I am facing. Help me to respond with love, not react with adrenaline. Help me carry my pain to You and allow you to dry my tears, and remind me of Your eternal love. That You will guide me how to respond. Thank You Lord, in Jesus’ name, amen.